Things that I think and do
Despite my appearance as an eloquent, thoughtful blog-writer, fully-formed posts very rarely come into my head. What usually happens instead is that a series of random thoughts and ideas occur that are just too short (or inane) to turn into posts.
It’s my own fault – probably a combination of my inability to think about anything too deeply for any length of time and a deep-seated instinct to avoid courting controversy. I was a little concerned at the time about writing my ‘Remembrance on social media’ post for fear that I would start getting hate mail and death threats (I haven’t, by the way). Then I realised that I can write pretty much whatever the hell I like as it’s my blog, and who cares about what the naysayers may say because they’re wrong! This was something of an epiphany.
But this post isn’t going to be a long or coherent one about my psychological trouble with writing about contentious topics – I don’t have a contentious topic to hand. Instead I’m going to record a couple of the random thoughts I’ve had recently that aren’t really social media material yet aren’t quite well-thought-out enough to constitute a real blog post.
Random alarm time idea
I sometimes have trouble getting up in the morning when my alarm goes off. Not trouble physically getting out of bed, because I’ve cunningly placed my alarm clock so that I have to leave the haven of my duvet to switch off the din on Radio 1 at 7:15am.
The problem is not getting back into bed after I’ve shut up Grimey or Wally or whoever presents breakfast radio these days. I’ve tried to solve this by setting a second alarm for about half an hour later, in the hope that I’ll be slightly more awake anyway when that goes off.
This doesn’t work, though, because I know what time my alarms are set for and so my body seems to be programmed to wake up briefly in time to turn it off then to drop off to sleep again.
The solution, I realised, is a setting on your second alarm machine which randomly selects a wake-up time from a number of choices you set beforehand. So my first alarm goes off at 7:15, and I switch it off and go back to bed – but then the second alarm kicks in at some random point in the next twenty minutes. That way I don’t know when the second alarm is going to happen and I can’t get back to sleep with all the tension.
Oreos don’t work
I bought some Oreos the other day and realised that they are inherently flawed. The adverts with the irritating child and his equally irritating dog claim that the way to eat an Oreo is to “twist” it apart, “lick” the white bit in the middle, stick it back together and “dunk” it, preferably in milk.
Ignoring the fact that you just can’t “twist” and “lick” them – the best I managed was to “snap” and “scrape” – all you end up with is a structurally flawed Oreo because you’ve weakened it by dismantling the component parts. Get a pack and try it out, and I guarantee that at least 83% of them will break.
Also, the cookie bit doesn’t even absorb milk properly.
Plot holes in Harry Potter
Firstly, how can Aunt Petunia not know that Harry can’t do magic during the school holidays? She grew up with a sister who went to Hogwarts, who presumably was also forbidden to do magic in the hols.
Next we’re told that Harry survived the Killing Curse because his mother’s love protected him. It’s all very nice, but does J.K. expect us to believe that this is the first time this has ever happened in the history of magic? Pooh pooh. I’m sure someone over the course of wizard history has done a very similar thing but because they probably had a weird magic name instead of a good, solid ordinary name they got forgotten.
(I was going to say that I’m sure J.K. Rowling has a reasonable explanation for each of these, but then I wondered if there can be any reasonable explanations of aspects in a story about a magic school, an evil wizard, excessive facial hair and a popular ginger kid.)
How does one become a football commentator? I know that some of them are ex-footballers but a lot of the Match of the Day ones just seem to be professional commentators.
Maybe there’s some kind of test to see if you can adequately describe a game of football under pressure (or at least there should be). You still get some absolute gems occasionally though – recent favourites include a description of a game as ‘crushingly sterile’ and another of a team as ‘devoid’. Not devoid of anything in particular, just ‘devoid’.
It’s probably quite a difficult job actually. I think if I tried commentating I’d just end up forgetting names and resorting to “oh, oh, yes, pass it!…ooh, OH!…ah he’s missed”.